General how to cook the chicken

Discussion in 'Guides' started by Skeezin, Feb 14, 2016.

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  1. Skeezin

    Skeezin Grandfathered

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    *+*+HOW TO COOK THE CHICKEN
    BY MYSELF SKEEZIN+*+*


    hello ladies and gentlemen and thank you for stopping by, today i am going to teach you how to cook a chicken, not any ordinary chicken, but the chicken

    the chicken in question
    [​IMG]
    this here is the finished product, the cooked chicken, aim for something similar to this but it most likely wont look, taste or smell as good as this specimen on your very first try but remember to never give up and strive for perfection!

    what you will need
    • the chicken obviously
    • some stuff to make the chicken taste real good
    • a pair of hands
    • a pair of oven gloves to put on those hands
    • a baking tray
    • an oven to put the baking tray in
    • a clean surface to work your magic with the bird and get it ready for the oven
    • a plate
    !!! REMEMBER TO WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE TOUCHING THE CHICKEN TO AVOID ANY POSSIBLE CONTAMINATION TO THE BIRD !!!

    instructions

    1. imagine the baking tray as the face of a clock, point the chicken at exactly 7 o'clock (this method yields the best results)
    2. slowly run your tongue down the length of the bird and stop before you reach what i like to refer to as the "stink hole"
    3. carefully massage the breast in circular movements 2-3 times for approximately 45 seconds at a time - avoid excessive pressure
    4. take your other ingredients - i personally use honey because it gives the bird a great shiny look and makes it look a million dollars - evenly spread it across the body and then proceed to work it into the cracks with the use of your palms and thumbs if necessary
    5. switch the oven on by turning the knob 180 degrees clockwise, make sure it is exactly that or the chicken may burn and nobody wants a black bird that will taste like chimney
    6. squeeze the chicken into the oven, which should be sat firmly on the center of the baking tray, on the top shelf
    7. make sure the oven door is sealed shut and now it is time to let the magic of the oven run its course and all you can really do now is wait
    8. wait a little bit
    9. wait a little longer
    10. look inside the oven through the window and gaze endlessly at the chicken that you have prepared single handedly and is almost ready to be eaten
    11. equip yourself with oven gloves and proceed to open the door
    12. lean inside and pull the bird out very carefully by its legs and give it a sniff and a lick to evaluate if it has been cooked thoroughly - if it is not to your standard cook for an additional 5 minutes
    13. place the bird on a plate, preferably clean, which is now ready to be served and enjoyed by you and anyone else who may happen to enjoy the chicken

    closing words

    the best advice i have to offer is that you should never underestimate the chicken youre working with and always remember to show respect to the animal that has been slaughtered to be able to provide you with that delicious chicken you have in front of you

    shouts out to all my young chefs keep it cooking





    P.S. for any of you haters out there who might try and question the legitimacy of my in depth cooking knowledge this is for you

    back to the kitchen b*tch!

    [​IMG]

    may the oven be ever in your favor
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2016
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  2. Conq

    Conq Guest

    i'm just glad there are no "drumsticks" involved
     
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  3. OP
    Skeezin

    Skeezin Grandfathered

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    need not worry conq i have saved the preparation of sticky bbq drumsticks for the next installment
     
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  4. inoobupro

    inoobupro Banned

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    This is betta than the theorycrafting guides that get stickied like ''how to kill BM monk as a fire mage'' or ''how to kill lvl 35 mob on your twinkur''

    I rate 10/10
     
  5. Chikntortila

    Chikntortila Veteran

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    can't wait to include this recipe in my next chicken tortilla !

    new chicken meta
     
  6. partygirl

    partygirl Toxic

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    After cooking my chicken with this method I have found much more enjoyment in my life. Thanks to this guide I can now live my life to the maximum, thank you Skeezin for this, I am forever grateful.
     
  7. Pitter

    Pitter <GLHF>

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    This guide made me stop cutting. Thank you based Skeezin
     
  8. Nodoka

    Nodoka Contributor

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  9. OP
    Skeezin

    Skeezin Grandfathered

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    give me guide author
     
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  10. Zeiren

    Zeiren zzz Administrator

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    well done, i don't know how this was overlooked
     
  11. OP
    Skeezin

    Skeezin Grandfathered

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    thank you
     
  12. Leek

    Leek Grandfathered

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    ... i dont have hands.
     
  13. Magrain

    Magrain Member

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    Congratz, you gained access to the Official Shadowlands Cooking Profession early.
     
  14. Sybill

    Sybill Bear

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    nice 1 skeen
     
  15. PapaPumpkin

    PapaPumpkin Member

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    Waking up to the greatest thing that I didn't know I needed. Well done
     
  16. ZenwØw

    ZenwØw Veteran

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    @Skeezin YOUR CHICKEN WAS YUMMY !
     
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