Ok, enough joking aside. The real answer is: start off with two bottles good ale (rarely found in cans), which you pour into a glass to drink. Then, if you're going to continue drinking, switch over to cheap beer because after the first couple your palate is shot anyway. I prefer cans for cheap beer because they weigh less and don't break as much when you have a ton of them to take to recycle.
Cans for a party, for the same reason as above, if you aren't doing a keg.
The not-as-practical, but ultimate solution for people that take beer super-srs is a kegerator. It keeps the keg beer cold and keeps it under pressure with its own CO2 system: