General Joke Thread

Three Daughters want to know why they are named what they are named, so they decide to ask their father. Daughter one asks: "Daddy, why did you name me Rose?" The Father answers "Because a rose petal fell on your head right after you were born dear" Rose wonders off. Daughter two asks: "Daddy, why did you name me Jasmine?" The Father answers "Because a jasmine leaf fell on your head after you were born dear" Jasmine wonders off. Daughter three asks "DAAAAWEEE GYAAAAAA" The Father answers "Go back to the basement Cinderblock!"
 
An 85-year-old went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. she tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
 
Teacher: can u tell me abou the 2 parts in the brain???
student: sure,with an example
student:You brain has 2 parts-the left one and right one, the left part of the brain has nothing right in it and the right part of the brain has nothing left in it
Teacher:gtfo this class
 
Three guys walking threw the desert. A white guy, a black guy, and a mexican.
They come across a bottle and they pick it up to have a Genie come out *poof*
"i normally give 3 wishes but considering there are three of you, you each get one wish" the Genie says
The Mexican guy walks forward "I want all my people to be back in Mexico, happy and well off." *poof* and all Mexicans are in Mexico.
The Black guy walks forward "I want all my black brethren back in Africa, like before we were taken from our home land as slaves" *poof* all the black people are back in Africa
The white guy walks forward "so your telling me all the Mexicans and Blacks are out of America?" the Genie nods
"Then I will have a coke please"
If you can tell me where that's from you are epic :)
 
How come this thread is not in front.

Bump!!!

*Mom parks car on train tracks*
Me: Mom! A Train! A Train!!! A TRAIN!!!
Mom: You're learning spanish if you like it or not
Me: Mom!!!
Mom: Say it in spanish!
Me: EL CHOO CHOO!!!
 
What happens when two slugs get in a fight?

They slug it out.
 
Knock, knock. Who's there?

Merry. Merry who? Merry Christmas!
 
Boyfriend to girlfriend

Gf: plz don't go i wanna talk to u more
Bf: sorry bby i really need to go
Gf: plzzzzzz bby
Bf: listen my mom says that if i don't turn off the pc she will smash my head on the keyblkdghsgifjeip;ghwlihgraoihqa;pdg
 
A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar.
After a nice evening, they all leave with a deeper appreciation for each other's religions.
 
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared.

To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked , “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old creep dig. I had him buried upside down.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

Why are you stopping darling?” she whispered.

He whispered back, ” I found the remote.”

Really Glad to see this thread brought back....
 
There once was an Indian whose given name was “Onestone”, so named
because he had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone!
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
“If anyone calls me onestone again I will kill them!”
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good
morning, Onestone…”
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he
made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next
day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when
she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone.”
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn’t
die!
What is the moral of this story?
”…You can’t kill two birds with one stone.
 
Yesterday, my mom came up in my room and put her hands on my shoulder and she said
"I'm sorry my son, forgive me but i have to do it because you are spending too much time on the internet"
She goes on the desktop of my laptop and deleted the internet explorer icon...

I just cant stop laughing about it
 

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